Make English Useless...

I am singlehandedly attempting to deconstruct all usefulness of the English language, one phrase at a time.

How will I accomplish this dastardly deed?

1. Ambiguity overload: Be as ambiguous with everything you say as humanly as possible. A perfect example of this is when asked how I'm doing. The response is always - "Well, you know it's {insert day of week here}". Invariably, I'll recieve a response of 'It sure is'. By responding in this manner, not only have I not answered the question, but I've also incited an ambiguous response. No information has actually been exchanged. Genius!

2. The Sacrificial Sentence: Start off a sentence with the phrase "You know, I was just thinking..." and trail off. After pausing for about 15 seconds, while you still hold your audience's attention, state "Ahhh crap, I forgot". This will not only leave your audience's mind confused, but will also (over time) cause them to start doing the same thing.

3. Wandering Eye Contact: Start every conversation making eye contact with people. Over time, start moving your focus to the left or right slightly (an inch at a time). This is a great way to confuse people, especially if you are speaking to a number of people at once.

4. Do like Dubya: Consistently confuse the meanings of similar sounding words. After time, your audience will begin to confuse them as well. Some suggestions are 'anonymously' with 'animosity'; 'celebate' and 'surrogate'. I think you get the draft.

5. Suffixate Like There's no Tomorrow: Add odd suffixes to as many words as you can. I like to make words up like 'Rockify', 'Codation', and 'Crapicate'.

6. Use Contradictory Adjectives (Oxymorons, moron): Slam words together like 'disgustingly beautiful', 'hugely small', and 'Microsoft Works' ,'You'r smart!'

By following these simple steps, I have already observed my social circle beginning their dumbing down. Soon, it'll come to your town faster than that over hyped movie or that pesky ring tone.

The revolution is here, baby.


Wern & Martin are turning in their graves right now .