Ahoy There Land Lubber

Fifteen men on a dead man's chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
Drink and the devil had done for the rest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.
The mate was fixed by the bosun's pike
bosun brained with a marlinspike
And cookey's throat was marked belike
It had been gripped by fingers ten;
And there they lay, all good dead men
Like break o'day in a boozing ken
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Fifteen men of the whole ship's list
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!
Dead and be damned and the rest gone whist!
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!
The skipper lay with his nob in gore
Where the scullion's axe his cheek had shore
And the scullion he was stabbed times four
And there they lay, and the soggy skies
Dripped down in up-staring eyes
In murk sunset and foul sunrise
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Fifteen men of 'em stiff and stark
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!
Ten of the crew had the murder mark!
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!
Twas a cutlass swipe or an ounce of lead
Or a yawing hole in a battered head
And the scuppers' glut with a rotting red
And there they lay, aye, damn my eyes
Looking up at paradise
All souls bound just contrawise
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Fifteen men of 'em good and true
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!
Ev'ry man jack could ha' sailed with Old Pew,
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!
There was chest on chest of Spanish gold
With a ton of plate in the middle hold
And the cabins riot of stuff untold,
And they lay there that took the plum
With sightless glare and their lips struck dumb
While we shared all by the rule of thumb,
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!

More was seen through a sternlight screen...
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
Chartings undoubt where a woman had been
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.
'Twas a flimsy shift on a bunker cot
With a dirk slit sheer through the bosom spot
And the lace stiff dry in a purplish blot
Oh was she wench or some shudderin' maid
That dared the knife and took the blade
By God! she had stuff for a plucky jade
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Fifteen men on a dead man's chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
Drink and the devil had done for the rest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.
We wrapped 'em all in a mains'l tight
With twice ten turns of a hawser's bight
And we heaved 'em over and out of sight,
With a Yo-Heave-Ho! and a fare-you-well
And a sudden plunge in the sullen swell
Ten fathoms deep on the road to hell,
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!

To First Officer Spock...

The other day saw an add that 'Enterprise' was going to go into its second series. Now I am a major Sci-Fi buff,
but this got me thinking about the original series , you know the 'Star Trek'.
The great thing about the original trek series was that along with the sci-fi it managed to blend humor into its character's perfectly.



For me the most memorable character was Spock,or in the words of Spock the most fascinating one . Yeah , Kirk had his moments , but Spock was the star, no two ways about it. You always expected Spock to have the last word ..... and he always did. Spock contrasted beautifully with the crew of the enterprise. When you had Spock and McCoy in the same room, you expected banter and very rarely did the repartee disappoint.

This is one of the rare occasions when McCoy gets the better of Spock.

McCoy: Once, just once, I'd like to be able to land someplace and say "Behold, I am the Archangel Gabriel."
Spock: I fail to see the humor in that situation, Doctor.
McCoy: Naturally. You could hardly claim to be an angel with those pointed ears, Mr. Spock. But say you landed someplace with a pitchfork...

The above was more the exception than the rule .

McCoy: I'm not a magician, Spock; just an old country doctor.
Spock: Yes. As I always suspected.

Or

Spock: Random chance seems to have operated in our favor.
McCoy: In plain non-Vulcan English, we've been lucky.
Spock: I believe I have said that, doctor.

In a Moment of Melancholy

Of all the words in the English language , the saddest are these :
It might have been.

As I pay the weary wages of time , it hurts far more to see your dreams fade away , to see passion ebb away and to have in its place see a cynism take root that seems to grow more deep and intense with every passing moment. Where once there was a zeal and enthusiasm I now encounter bitterness and sarcasm.
I fear the person that I have become, yet in some dark recessess of my mind hope conspires.

I'm not the only one starin' at the sun
afraid of what you'd find
if you took a look inside
not just deaf and dumb
I'm staring at the sun
not the only one who's happy to go blind.

A General Refutation for 'X' sucks

Often, I am approached by individuals looking for my esteemed opinion on certian matters.
I do tend to humour these lesser mortals on such occasions, Me generally being the wise old crumpet in these parts , I do my bid to spread the light of human happiness , spread the Joy de Vivere if you will. But kind sir, I however refuse to be a mere sounding board for ideas which would require me to spend considerable time and effort pointing out the fallacy and idiocy in their thoughts. Most of these ideas are of the form 'X' sucks.
So I hereby offer a rigourous refutation in the form of proof by contradiction to the position 'X sucks'.

( Substitue the value of 'X' to your liking. )

'X Does not suck'
I have recently recieved reports indicating that certain individuals hold the opinion that X sucks.
Thats right : sucks. This came as a shock to me. How can so many people be so terribly beguiled by a brutish devilish lie that sickens me to even grant it a thought ?

This canard is no mere misinformation but the equivocal work of a fiend of most terrible proportions , a true Hitler in the works. And as such , I will with the help of the Spirit and the Heavenly Muse try to mend their perverted ways.

O artless gentlemen , Think of what you say ! X sucks ! Fie ! Why even a cursory examiniation of your words would lead me to the rueful conclusion that they make no contact with logic, art , truth or even love at any point. And indeed the deeper you understand .. Oh Heavens ! The more horrific they become.

Think of the images associated with sucking- a new born babe , suckling his mothers breast for nourishment that brings life and satisfies his spirit; or a young child, sucking his thumb in fear of the acrid, black night and the horribly disappointing world upon upon whose doorstep he has been left like a downtrodden, unwashed doormat ; or the incredible and new vacum cleaner by EuroClean (for only Rs 9999/- that too) that beautifies your home with more suction power than any other competitor.

Imagine these things , I say , and you will see that 'X' does no such sucking !

Nay, gentleman, it must, as I shall now endeavor to prove in angonizing detail , be engaged in a very different (and mayhap, worse) action than the 'sucking' which you propose.

Consider this: for one to "suck " , one must be capable of producing an attractive force powerfull enough to produce a partial vacum that draws a given object towards oneself (as via a stream of fast moving air) , as the result of a disparity in pressures. And thus sucking requires the ability to surmount such natural attractive forces produced by the likes of gravity , electromagnetism, and the nuclear forces (the VanderWaals force for eg.) , via the introduction of an external force which acts upon the object being sucked so as to draw it towards the source of the force.

It is quite clear , then , that X has no such attractive forces (save a certian force that seems to draw certian gentlemen like yourselves to declare , lemming-like , that X sucks ; and yet this can hardly be seen as a force exercised by X itself , but is perhaps , if I may be so bold as to venture my professional opinion, the result of a rather severe psychological disorder on the part of such aforementioned gentlemen).

Ha! I certainly have you pinned there!

Now, I would rest my case here, but I am interested in more than merely pointing out the errors of your ways; indeed, I intend not only to dispel the seed planted by the Devil but also to sow new seed and thus let you reap the fecund harvest of Truth.

For you see, X does not suck; it blows. Big time. Like the bellows. Like your mother.
Think only of the difference between, say, inhaling and exhaling, and I think you will see exactly what I mean.

Reductio ad absurdum!
End of proof.

Make English Useless...

I am singlehandedly attempting to deconstruct all usefulness of the English language, one phrase at a time.

How will I accomplish this dastardly deed?

1. Ambiguity overload: Be as ambiguous with everything you say as humanly as possible. A perfect example of this is when asked how I'm doing. The response is always - "Well, you know it's {insert day of week here}". Invariably, I'll recieve a response of 'It sure is'. By responding in this manner, not only have I not answered the question, but I've also incited an ambiguous response. No information has actually been exchanged. Genius!

2. The Sacrificial Sentence: Start off a sentence with the phrase "You know, I was just thinking..." and trail off. After pausing for about 15 seconds, while you still hold your audience's attention, state "Ahhh crap, I forgot". This will not only leave your audience's mind confused, but will also (over time) cause them to start doing the same thing.

3. Wandering Eye Contact: Start every conversation making eye contact with people. Over time, start moving your focus to the left or right slightly (an inch at a time). This is a great way to confuse people, especially if you are speaking to a number of people at once.

4. Do like Dubya: Consistently confuse the meanings of similar sounding words. After time, your audience will begin to confuse them as well. Some suggestions are 'anonymously' with 'animosity'; 'celebate' and 'surrogate'. I think you get the draft.

5. Suffixate Like There's no Tomorrow: Add odd suffixes to as many words as you can. I like to make words up like 'Rockify', 'Codation', and 'Crapicate'.

6. Use Contradictory Adjectives (Oxymorons, moron): Slam words together like 'disgustingly beautiful', 'hugely small', and 'Microsoft Works' ,'You'r smart!'

By following these simple steps, I have already observed my social circle beginning their dumbing down. Soon, it'll come to your town faster than that over hyped movie or that pesky ring tone.

The revolution is here, baby.


Wern & Martin are turning in their graves right now .

Men are Stupid. Women are Evil. Food is Good.

Men are Stupid.Women are Evil.Food is Good.

This is the Universal Truth.

1.Men are Stupid: You might have an IQ of 275 , have a double doctrate in Solid State Physics from MIT,with a Nobel to your credit.
But You are still stupid. And no matter what you do you will continue to be stupid.
This is because Males have the 'Y' chromosome, an Incomplete Deficient version of The 'X' chromosome that Women have.This causes the males to do all sorts of stupid things, like marrying women or falling in love.It causes the most intelligent of men to stammer like a blathering idiot in front of a shapely female in a two piece suit.
Its in your genes you cant fight it.


2.Women are Evil: Women have exploited the cruel joke that nature has played on men. Women have played on this weakness of men ever since the dawn of time. There is no point blaming the poor Adder, it was Eve's fault. Behind a successfull man theres a woman and behind an unsuccessfull man there are two. And you can take it from me that the successfull women has some ulterior motive behind the chaps apparent 'success'.Womens lib is a joke. Wake up and smell the coffee.
If you believe this is a male dominated society then thats because you are a man and Rule 1 follows.


3.Food is Good : But no matter what you are, evil or just plain stupid, we all eat . Food is what sustains us.Food doesn't discriminate,Food doesn't solve differential equations. Food is good.


Ipso Facto , Ergo Sum , Men are Stupid . Women are Evil. Food is Good.