Often, I am approached by individuals looking for my esteemed opinion on certian matters.
I do tend to humour these lesser mortals on such occasions, Me generally being the wise old crumpet in these parts , I do my bid to spread the light of human happiness , spread the Joy de Vivere if you will. But kind sir, I however refuse to be a mere sounding board for ideas which would require me to spend considerable time and effort pointing out the fallacy and idiocy in their thoughts. Most of these ideas are of the form 'X' sucks.
So I hereby offer a rigourous refutation in the form of proof by contradiction to the position 'X sucks'.
( Substitue the value of 'X' to your liking. )
'X Does not suck'
I have recently recieved reports indicating that certain individuals hold the opinion that X sucks.
Thats right : sucks. This came as a shock to me. How can so many people be so terribly beguiled by a brutish devilish lie that sickens me to even grant it a thought ?
This canard is no mere misinformation but the equivocal work of a fiend of most terrible proportions , a true Hitler in the works. And as such , I will with the help of the Spirit and the Heavenly Muse try to mend their perverted ways.
O artless gentlemen , Think of what you say ! X sucks ! Fie ! Why even a cursory examiniation of your words would lead me to the rueful conclusion that they make no contact with logic, art , truth or even love at any point. And indeed the deeper you understand .. Oh Heavens ! The more horrific they become.
Think of the images associated with sucking- a new born babe , suckling his mothers breast for nourishment that brings life and satisfies his spirit; or a young child, sucking his thumb in fear of the acrid, black night and the horribly disappointing world upon upon whose doorstep he has been left like a downtrodden, unwashed doormat ; or the incredible and new vacum cleaner by EuroClean (for only Rs 9999/- that too) that beautifies your home with more suction power than any other competitor.
Imagine these things , I say , and you will see that 'X' does no such sucking !
Nay, gentleman, it must, as I shall now endeavor to prove in angonizing detail , be engaged in a very different (and mayhap, worse) action than the 'sucking' which you propose.
Consider this: for one to "suck " , one must be capable of producing an attractive force powerfull enough to produce a partial vacum that draws a given object towards oneself (as via a stream of fast moving air) , as the result of a disparity in pressures. And thus sucking requires the ability to surmount such natural attractive forces produced by the likes of gravity , electromagnetism, and the nuclear forces (the VanderWaals force for eg.) , via the introduction of an external force which acts upon the object being sucked so as to draw it towards the source of the force.
It is quite clear , then , that X has no such attractive forces (save a certian force that seems to draw certian gentlemen like yourselves to declare , lemming-like , that X sucks ; and yet this can hardly be seen as a force exercised by X itself , but is perhaps , if I may be so bold as to venture my professional opinion, the result of a rather severe psychological disorder on the part of such aforementioned gentlemen).
Ha! I certainly have you pinned there!
Now, I would rest my case here, but I am interested in more than merely pointing out the errors of your ways; indeed, I intend not only to dispel the seed planted by the Devil but also to sow new seed and thus let you reap the fecund harvest of Truth.
For you see, X does not suck; it blows. Big time. Like the bellows. Like your mother.
Think only of the difference between, say, inhaling and exhaling, and I think you will see exactly what I mean.
Reductio ad absurdum!
End of proof.
Of all the words in the English language , the saddest are these :
